We Hate Harry Club
by CSIMel
Summary: Harry finds out he has a Hate Club, and isn't he surprised! Not to read by people without a sense of humour. Especially if you love Harry.


**WE HATE HARRY CLUB**

**DISCLAIMER: Don't own it, if I did, Harry wouldn't be such a tool. Don'town anything, just to be safe.**

**RATING: PG-13 (drug and adult references)**

**A/N: I'm not the biggest Harry Pot-head fan, so if you don't have a sense of humour, I suggest you click the back button straight away. Just a little parody, gives away nothing from the books. Hell, I haven't even finished the sixth book! AU!**

"You wanted to see me, Professor?" Harry asked, entering Albus Dumbledore's office.

"Ah, yes, Harry, please, sit down." Dumbledore said, a pained expression on his face. There was an awkward pause and Harry's attention turned to a bag in the corner.

"I know it must be difficult for you, being 'the boy who lived' and all, so there were several things I kept from you. For your protection." Dumbledore fiddled with his wand nervously. "Seeing as though you're older and much wiser about the world, my colleagues have informed me that it's time for me to show you something."

Dumbledore waved his wand and the bag in the corner floated towards Harry and planted itself on the table, with a loud thunk.

Harry opened the bag. It was filled with letters. He grabbed the first envelope and ripped it open.

_Greetings Harry. We are the 'We Hate Harry Club' (WHHC) and our mission is to slander your good name in everyway possible. We strongly hate everything you stand for and the fact that you can't kill Voldemort properly. For crying out loud, you loser, how many opportunities do you need? Any freakin' monkey with a wand could kill him. We are also known as WAM 'Wizards Against the Ministry'. Those guys are so incompetent, no wonder you're the only one who can come close to killing Voldemort! Also attached is a badge with you being electrified by your own stupidity and lack of skill. Do us a favour Harry, change your name, change your appearance and move to Alaska. Yours sincerely, the WHHC._

Harry looked at Dumbledore.

"Is this for real?" He asked, stunned.

"I'm afraid so, Harry." Dumbledore replied grimly "there are also 15 more bags of mail in the Slytherin common room."

Harry picked up a couple of more letters.

_You are a tool. You're mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. I fart in your general direction…_

"This is crap!" Harry swore.

"There are also many branches of the WHHC, H.I.D.E.O.U.S – Harry Is Disgusting, Especially Odd, Ugly Sucker." Dumbledore said, handing him a letter.

_You have got to be the ugliest wizard to have graced Hogwarts. I mean, honestly, Voldemort did you a favour by scaring your face, why, oh why couldn't he have scarred all of it? No girl would go out with you unless you were the last guy on earth or she was really desperate!_

"They hate me, they really hate me," Harry said, shocked.

"There's more," Dumbledore magically conjured a laptop and opened it to show Harry. "Young Malfoy brought to my attention a thing called the 'World Wide Web', quite an intriguing tool, hard to believe those muggles came up with the idea. And their animal fetishes are quite interesting…"

"There's a web site!" Harry exclaimed.

"With lots of merchandise," Dumbledore said, opening his robe to reveal a picture of Harry's head on a bong. "I don't fully understand why your head was on a magical smoking instrument, but it was amusing none the less."

"There are so many emails and forums – 'top 20 things we hate about Harry', 'what would you do if Harry came to your house'." Harry looked like he was about to cry. "Don't these people know that I'm trying to save them?"

Harry read on.

"They've got Malfoy as their inside reporter!" he read.

"It's a shame Harry," Dumbledore said sympathetically. "But with fame comes the fans. And with fans comes the mail. And with the mail comes the hate mail. And with the hate mail…"

"I think I get it, Sir," Harry snapped. He grabbed another letter, ripping it open angrily.

_As Headmaster of Hogwarts, I've come to the conclusion that Harry is a crybaby, weasel and thinks he's above the other students…_

Dumbledore ripped the letter out of Harry's grasp.

"My, how did that get there?" Dumbledore mumbled, embarrassed.

"Oh, god," Harry cried, "My whole existence has been a lie!"

He glanced at another letter.

_We're his best friends and we know him better than anyone. Sure, he can be a snobby, arrogant, turd…_

"My friends even hate me!" Harry yelled.

"Seems that way, doesn't it?" Dumbledore said, grabbing his nail file.

Harry left Dumbledore's office depressed and angry. Well, angrier than usual. He bumped into his friends in the corridor.

"You guys suck!" Harry yelled, running past them.

"Wait, Harry!" They called.

"You knew about the WHHC, and you didn't tell me." Harry yelled. "What's worse, you wrote a hate letter about me!"

"Harry, wait a minute," Hermione protested. "Yes we knew about the club, but we didn't want to tell you because it would distract you from your studies."

"And Quidditch!" Ron interrupted. "If you had read the rest of the letter, you would see what we actually wrote."

Harry grabbed the letter out of his pocket.

_Sure, he can be a snobby, arrogant, tool…but he's our snobby, arrogant tool, so back off, biatches!_

"Aw, you guys are so swell!" Harry said, enveloping his friends in a huge hug.

But what Harry didn't know was that Hermione and Ron received royalties for being his friend. Ron, with a contract with Wizard Studios, a huge movie studio and Hermione with a scholarship to Hazard – the most prestigious wizarding university.

Being friends with Harry, the arrogant tool, was a small price to pay for ultimate happiness.

**A/N: If you want to review fine, but as my mother says 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. If you want to start up a hate club, that's cool. Send me some hate mail, that would be good for a laugh! Please review!**


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